Dysphoria Under the Duvet:

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines dysphoria as the distress which arises from conflicts between a person’s gender identity or expression and their assigned-at-birth sex. I like to acknowledge that dysphoria is a term created by the medical community used primarily for diagnostics and that diverse gender experiences are not necessarily indicative of disorder. However, I believe it can still be useful when describing, communicating & sharing experiences from a wellness perspective, regardless of the medical context. With reflection and support, many T/GNC folks have been able to identify different spaces, activities & contexts that tend to generate a dysphoric response and set appropriate boundaries. But that doesn’t mean that we can always control when it happens. Dysphoria can creep up when you’re at work, at an important event like a wedding or birthday, while you’re simply alone with your thoughts or yes—even in the bedroom. Understandably, sex can be one of the most challenging times to navigate gender dysphoria and it’s just as important to understand and honor your boundaries regarding your pleasure as it is your safety. And trust me—you! deserve! pleasure!

So what can dysphoria during sex even look like? It’s helpful to keep in mind that it can be experienced internally, externally, & socially. Maybe you’ve found yourself obsessing over different bodily parts or with ruminating thoughts about how a specific part may look. Maybe your experience is more intense and results in completely disconnecting from your body through dissociation or through panic. Or maybe you attempt to hide yourself or parts of yourself by strategically using duvets to cover up or insisting on turning off the lights during sex. While these can be very normal experiences for many T/GNC individuals, there’s also many ways to combat the distress of gender dysphoria when it pops up uninvited in your bed. Here are two of my favorite strategies to cope with dysphoria during sex:

1. Show & Tell: Talk through the boundaries of the scene with your sexually intimate partner(s) before sex ever becomes physical. Think of this as a savory appetizer to foreplay used to stimulate your mind just as much as your body. Ask your partner what feels the best, how they like to be touched, where they like to be touched, and with what motion or pressure. Maybe even ask them to show you directly what they like on themselves first and you can then do the same. Don’t forget to tell your partner if anything feels “off-limits” and not just with touch, that includes with language. It’s also helpful to share with your partner if you use specific gender-affirming terminology for different parts such referring to the top half of the torso as your “chest” rather than “breasts.” (This also helps avoid any unintentional slip ups during some in-the-moment dirty talk!)

2. Create Gender Euphoria! Unlike its antonym, the term gender euphoria was created not by the medical community, but instead by the gender/sex minority community themselves. In addition to all the in-person discussions I’ve had regarding this phenomenon amongst the T/GNC community, I’ve also seen conversations start to arise across many social media platforms aimed at bringing more awareness. Because of its clinical ambiguity there is no “formal” definition, but I can make an offering from my personal experience. For me, gender euphoria is a bright burst of awareness and joyful gratitude that results from feeling affirmed, validated, and honored in my gender experience and expression. It’s a type of deep, delicious affirmation that speaks to a beautiful congruence between my feelings an my experience. Much like dysphoria, euphoria can be experienced externally such as receiving gender-affirming hormones or surgeries, internally such as such comfort in knowing that your expression is ever-expansive and endless in possibility, or social such as being referred to by your chosen name and pronoun or other affirming terms such as “handsome.” These moments, while they can be small, swaddle us in protective warmth. Sex can be a great time to tap into that warmth so don’t be afraid to take ownership of your experience. A great way to start is by wearing something during a sex scene that gives you euphoria—it could be a type of underwear or lingerie, maybe you have a special binder that flattens your chest exactly right, experiment with wearing a strap on or packer, put on nail polish, or even slap on some glitter! Just remember that how you experience your gender euphoria is completely personal to you and not everyone will experience or even desire the same gender affirmations.

Pride Isn’t Over: 3 Ways to Become a More Intentional Ally

Welcome, I’m grateful that you’re here! The desire for and awareness of growth are the first steps. While knowing what to do next is not always easy, it’s important that you start somewhere. Here’s just a small slice of the many ways you can start to take your allyship from well-meaning thought to well-thought action:

1.) Educate!

Keep up with the laws/politics/policies targeting LGBTQ+ communities and understand how this may be impacting a queer person’s sense of safety and freedom. Right now, there’s an influx of anti-trans legislation, particularly ones impacting trans kids. Those like HB1 in Alabama could make it a felony to provide gender-affirming care for trans youth and SB 354 in Arkansas that bans trans students from playing sports. Laws like these are not only stripping entire communities of their fundamental rights, they’re putting lives at risk. You may be thinking, “But that’s only in the South” or “It only affects trans people,” but policies discriminating against and targeting the LBGTQ+ community is more pervasive than you might think. A lack of up-to-date education could mean your queer loved one pays the price. Maybe you’re finally planning that post-pandemic international getaway and invite your queer friends without knowing you picked one of the 71 jurisdictions across the globe that still criminalize being LGBTQ—at least 6 of which impose the death penalty. Or maybe you swing by the office of your queer friend’s new job to gift them a photograph of their partner without realizing you’ve just outed your friend who works in one of the many states that don’t have protections against discrimination based on sexuality or gender in the workplace. It’s important to stay mindful that your LGBTQ+ friends don’t exist with the same freedoms to move about within the world, and this is only exacerbated for black and brown queer lives.

2.) Advocate!

Are there ways you can get involved more actively in showing support for the LGBTQ+ community? Feel free to keep it small and think local! Maybe there are organizations in your area that help house displaced LGBTQ+ youth where you could donate or give collected supplies. Or if you don’t have the means at the moment to donate, start or help with an existing fundraiser. Advocacy doesn’t always have to be about throwing your coin around, it can look like being mindful of where you already shop and shifting to black-owned LGBTQ+ small businesses when possible. Or volunteering your time one weekend with your local LGBTQ+ elders. It could also be as small as adding your name to a petition or trying to amplify more black, trans voices on your social media account. This can also look like physical advocacy by participating in various marches and demonstrations. I recommend the annual Queer Liberation March held right here in NYC that specifically centers the experiences of our BIPOC communities. The idea is not how big you go or how much you spend, it’s that you show up!

3.) Obliterate!

…the rainbow capitalism. While well-intentioned, I can almost guarantee your friend does not need (or want!) that rainbow spatula you “saw and thought of you immediately!” Gestures slathered in rainbows can often feel empty and impersonal and reduces the community to a monolithic group all liking the same aesthetic. Similarly, it implies that being visibly queer is or should be the most dominant aspect of our identity which may not be the case at all. For many, being queer is as unremarkable as being left-handed! You can also inadvertently end up supporting companies and organizations that fund anti-LGBTQ+ policies and practices. Think getting a Chick-fil-A sandwich with a cute little rainbow sticker on the box (while Chick-Fil-A has a long-running history with blatant homophobia). Be on the lookout for queer baiting and rainbow capitalism especially during Pride month in June!

But most of all, understand that the experiences of the LGBTQ+ community are dynamic and diverse and your allyship shouldn’t stop at rainbows and marriage equality. It’s vital to not only lift up LGBTQ+ people but embrace the totality of their unique experience and existence. By educating yourself and staying up to date about laws, shifting your advocacy to a daily and more community-based practice, and becoming more aware of how and where you distribute your funding and support, you can demonstrate a greater sense of intentionality in your allyship.