An Offering of Radical Vulnerability

I’ve felt out of place for as long as I can remember. Whether it was being an outspoken teen growing up queer and poor in the Bible Belt of the Deep South to even now being immersed in the glittery chaos of NYC life. My sense of otherness sometimes feels like wearing an itchy sweater around everywhere I go and as that sweater grows more uncomfortable, I become more and more self-critical. On good days that sweater feels more like something knit-by-hand with love and I’m able to get nice and cozy within myself. But on the bad days it can feel like I’m crawling out of my skin, relentlessly picking my threads apart. I found myself back in that scratchy, isolating place recently and was afraid like many of us that I might just get stuck there. But I put up a tearful fight against some of my most intrusive thoughts and I’m gently coming back to the surface by reminding myself of all the ways I’m held by my community. Never alone, but connected to the fabric of a deep queer ancestry. This is a burst of gratitude slingshot out into the universe for all the people who continue to show my soul just how vital queer community really is to our collective healing and wellbeing. And also a tender reminder to all the other queer humans out there that you, too, are an indispensable part of this celestial design. 

We keep us safe,

Sam 

The Value of “Chosen” Family

Psychologist Abraham Maslow created a famous theory of motivation known as the “hierarchy of needs.” Typically depicted on a triangle with more foundational needs at the bottom, Maslow’s theory suggests that humans have several universal needs and these universal needs can be classified into the following categories: physiological, safety, love & belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. The theory suggests that humans must fulfill each of these stages in order to reach the top of the triangle and thereby achieve self-actualization or fulfillment of their potential. Maslow’s theory shows us that the need for love and belonging is in fact universal—Humans need to love and be loved. It’s similarly universal that many of us find this vital sense of love and belonging in our families of origin. However, not all of us have the privilege of existing within the support network of our biological family. This can be particularly true for members of the queer community who experience higher rates of displacement and rejection from our families of origin. These lived experiences and the intrinsic resilience of queerness have contributed to the need for the creation of new experiences of family.

One thing that doesn’t get talked about enough—family! isn’t! consensual! We typically learn about consent-based frameworks only in terms of sexual practices. But when you think critically about it, we didn’t get to actively choose the family of origin we were born into and therefore it might not even be the best fit or healthiest environment for us. In direct contrast, a chosen family is a web of relationships that are built around intentionality and freedom of choice. Much like the idea of informed consent, a chosen family is making an active decision about whom you’ll share access to yourself and your energy. One of the most beautiful things about being queer is being given the gift of creation--To create our own unique genders and sexualities, and we can also create our own unique concepts of “family” that go far beyond binaries and tradition.

Since being queer is all about getting to create your own identity, this can include creating your own values like family. Family can be defined however you conceptualize connection and shared intimacy.  In fact, a family doesn’t even have to be human! Many queers consider beloved pets to be part of their family (and this is just as valid). Keep in mind that it’s the component of enduring connection that’s crucial and there are no rules that say family must look a certain way or be based solely on genetics. Family can be found in online communities, sports clubs, social clubs, intimate partners, beloved pets, in the vibrant drag community, and many unexpected places in between. If you are queer, I already stand beside you as family.

We Need to Talk: Navigating a Conversation about Kink

So, you met someone new and you’re feeling excited. You’re starting to notice this is someone who makes you feel safe & like you can open up to them more authentically. There’s only one little thing holding you back—you have a kink you haven’t shared yet. Kink is a term used to encompass a wide spectrum of “non-conventional” sexual behaviors, interests, desires, & practices. What’s even considered “kinky” is highly subjective to the person & influenced by culture. So how do we begin to share something so nuanced and personal?

As with most healing work, it starts with embracing yourself first. Deep shame and fear of rejection can be so strong they prevent us from being open--even with ourselves. Try to reframe this kink as something you find to be meaningful to your life and therefore deserving of being honored. Ask yourself—"Have I actually spent time getting cozy with my kink?” Push through any thoughts of shame that come up and let your mind explore a fantasy fully & freely. When it comes to shame, we often feel alone with it. One way to help combat this kind of shame is by connecting with a kinky community. A great, low-stakes way to start is by joining online communities that often also offer the opportunity to meet up in-person. Connecting with a kink community helps normalize the experience and can even spark some fun new ideas.

Try to talk about sex more! It helps to start getting comfortable talking about sex and intimacy in general because kink centers communication. Notice if you feel relaxed when you do or if you start to get tense or experience discomfort. There are ways to incorporate this topic of conversation to feel more organic in timing such as during the moments after sex. Think “pillow talk,” but spicier. Simply taking the time to mutually reflect on the sex and sharing your experiences with one another—What was exciting? Was there anything that felt new? What do you want more of? Less of? What boundaries felt respected? How was the connection? It can also be helpful to start incorporating talk during the scene itself. What we learn about talking during sex from the media, especially porn, is often performative & too much pressure creatively. But keep in mind it doesn’t have to be an elaborate fantasy; you can also use dirty talk in a practical way to indicate how you’d like to receive—with increased speed, more pressure, in a different position or angle. This gets you practice verbalizing your sexual needs and desires. “It turns me on when you…” “I’m excited by…”

After building your communication skills try to utilize visualization. Many of us enjoy being stimulated visually and are also visual learners. It can be helpful (and fun!) to find a video that demonstrates something you find kinky and enjoyable. This also lets you and your partner(s) explore the fantasy in a safe setting that doesn’t put pressure on participation. Offer to watch the video with your partner and then use your new communication skills to talk through any reactions they might be having. They may even have similar reactions as you! Videos can also serve as a sexy learning tool for any kinks your partner(s) may be less familiar with or those that require more intricate equipment & safety practices.

Remember, the world of kink is beautiful and diverse. What’s kinky to some may not be kinky to others. If you stay within the boundaries of safe, sane, & consensual—anything’s possible!

Dysphoria Under the Duvet:

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines dysphoria as the distress which arises from conflicts between a person’s gender identity or expression and their assigned-at-birth sex. I like to acknowledge that dysphoria is a term created by the medical community used primarily for diagnostics and that diverse gender experiences are not necessarily indicative of disorder. However, I believe it can still be useful when describing, communicating & sharing experiences from a wellness perspective, regardless of the medical context. With reflection and support, many T/GNC folks have been able to identify different spaces, activities & contexts that tend to generate a dysphoric response and set appropriate boundaries. But that doesn’t mean that we can always control when it happens. Dysphoria can creep up when you’re at work, at an important event like a wedding or birthday, while you’re simply alone with your thoughts or yes—even in the bedroom. Understandably, sex can be one of the most challenging times to navigate gender dysphoria and it’s just as important to understand and honor your boundaries regarding your pleasure as it is your safety. And trust me—you! deserve! pleasure!

So what can dysphoria during sex even look like? It’s helpful to keep in mind that it can be experienced internally, externally, & socially. Maybe you’ve found yourself obsessing over different bodily parts or with ruminating thoughts about how a specific part may look. Maybe your experience is more intense and results in completely disconnecting from your body through dissociation or through panic. Or maybe you attempt to hide yourself or parts of yourself by strategically using duvets to cover up or insisting on turning off the lights during sex. While these can be very normal experiences for many T/GNC individuals, there’s also many ways to combat the distress of gender dysphoria when it pops up uninvited in your bed. Here are two of my favorite strategies to cope with dysphoria during sex:

1. Show & Tell: Talk through the boundaries of the scene with your sexually intimate partner(s) before sex ever becomes physical. Think of this as a savory appetizer to foreplay used to stimulate your mind just as much as your body. Ask your partner what feels the best, how they like to be touched, where they like to be touched, and with what motion or pressure. Maybe even ask them to show you directly what they like on themselves first and you can then do the same. Don’t forget to tell your partner if anything feels “off-limits” and not just with touch, that includes with language. It’s also helpful to share with your partner if you use specific gender-affirming terminology for different parts such referring to the top half of the torso as your “chest” rather than “breasts.” (This also helps avoid any unintentional slip ups during some in-the-moment dirty talk!)

2. Create Gender Euphoria! Unlike its antonym, the term gender euphoria was created not by the medical community, but instead by the gender/sex minority community themselves. In addition to all the in-person discussions I’ve had regarding this phenomenon amongst the T/GNC community, I’ve also seen conversations start to arise across many social media platforms aimed at bringing more awareness. Because of its clinical ambiguity there is no “formal” definition, but I can make an offering from my personal experience. For me, gender euphoria is a bright burst of awareness and joyful gratitude that results from feeling affirmed, validated, and honored in my gender experience and expression. It’s a type of deep, delicious affirmation that speaks to a beautiful congruence between my feelings an my experience. Much like dysphoria, euphoria can be experienced externally such as receiving gender-affirming hormones or surgeries, internally such as such comfort in knowing that your expression is ever-expansive and endless in possibility, or social such as being referred to by your chosen name and pronoun or other affirming terms such as “handsome.” These moments, while they can be small, swaddle us in protective warmth. Sex can be a great time to tap into that warmth so don’t be afraid to take ownership of your experience. A great way to start is by wearing something during a sex scene that gives you euphoria—it could be a type of underwear or lingerie, maybe you have a special binder that flattens your chest exactly right, experiment with wearing a strap on or packer, put on nail polish, or even slap on some glitter! Just remember that how you experience your gender euphoria is completely personal to you and not everyone will experience or even desire the same gender affirmations.

Pride Isn’t Over: 3 Ways to Become a More Intentional Ally

Welcome, I’m grateful that you’re here! The desire for and awareness of growth are the first steps. While knowing what to do next is not always easy, it’s important that you start somewhere. Here’s just a small slice of the many ways you can start to take your allyship from well-meaning thought to well-thought action:

1.) Educate!

Keep up with the laws/politics/policies targeting LGBTQ+ communities and understand how this may be impacting a queer person’s sense of safety and freedom. Right now, there’s an influx of anti-trans legislation, particularly ones impacting trans kids. Those like HB1 in Alabama could make it a felony to provide gender-affirming care for trans youth and SB 354 in Arkansas that bans trans students from playing sports. Laws like these are not only stripping entire communities of their fundamental rights, they’re putting lives at risk. You may be thinking, “But that’s only in the South” or “It only affects trans people,” but policies discriminating against and targeting the LBGTQ+ community is more pervasive than you might think. A lack of up-to-date education could mean your queer loved one pays the price. Maybe you’re finally planning that post-pandemic international getaway and invite your queer friends without knowing you picked one of the 71 jurisdictions across the globe that still criminalize being LGBTQ—at least 6 of which impose the death penalty. Or maybe you swing by the office of your queer friend’s new job to gift them a photograph of their partner without realizing you’ve just outed your friend who works in one of the many states that don’t have protections against discrimination based on sexuality or gender in the workplace. It’s important to stay mindful that your LGBTQ+ friends don’t exist with the same freedoms to move about within the world, and this is only exacerbated for black and brown queer lives.

2.) Advocate!

Are there ways you can get involved more actively in showing support for the LGBTQ+ community? Feel free to keep it small and think local! Maybe there are organizations in your area that help house displaced LGBTQ+ youth where you could donate or give collected supplies. Or if you don’t have the means at the moment to donate, start or help with an existing fundraiser. Advocacy doesn’t always have to be about throwing your coin around, it can look like being mindful of where you already shop and shifting to black-owned LGBTQ+ small businesses when possible. Or volunteering your time one weekend with your local LGBTQ+ elders. It could also be as small as adding your name to a petition or trying to amplify more black, trans voices on your social media account. This can also look like physical advocacy by participating in various marches and demonstrations. I recommend the annual Queer Liberation March held right here in NYC that specifically centers the experiences of our BIPOC communities. The idea is not how big you go or how much you spend, it’s that you show up!

3.) Obliterate!

…the rainbow capitalism. While well-intentioned, I can almost guarantee your friend does not need (or want!) that rainbow spatula you “saw and thought of you immediately!” Gestures slathered in rainbows can often feel empty and impersonal and reduces the community to a monolithic group all liking the same aesthetic. Similarly, it implies that being visibly queer is or should be the most dominant aspect of our identity which may not be the case at all. For many, being queer is as unremarkable as being left-handed! You can also inadvertently end up supporting companies and organizations that fund anti-LGBTQ+ policies and practices. Think getting a Chick-fil-A sandwich with a cute little rainbow sticker on the box (while Chick-Fil-A has a long-running history with blatant homophobia). Be on the lookout for queer baiting and rainbow capitalism especially during Pride month in June!

But most of all, understand that the experiences of the LGBTQ+ community are dynamic and diverse and your allyship shouldn’t stop at rainbows and marriage equality. It’s vital to not only lift up LGBTQ+ people but embrace the totality of their unique experience and existence. By educating yourself and staying up to date about laws, shifting your advocacy to a daily and more community-based practice, and becoming more aware of how and where you distribute your funding and support, you can demonstrate a greater sense of intentionality in your allyship.