An Offering of Radical Vulnerability

I’ve felt out of place for as long as I can remember. Whether it was being an outspoken teen growing up queer and poor in the Bible Belt of the Deep South to even now being immersed in the glittery chaos of NYC life. My sense of otherness sometimes feels like wearing an itchy sweater around everywhere I go and as that sweater grows more uncomfortable, I become more and more self-critical. On good days that sweater feels more like something knit-by-hand with love and I’m able to get nice and cozy within myself. But on the bad days it can feel like I’m crawling out of my skin, relentlessly picking my threads apart. I found myself back in that scratchy, isolating place recently and was afraid like many of us that I might just get stuck there. But I put up a tearful fight against some of my most intrusive thoughts and I’m gently coming back to the surface by reminding myself of all the ways I’m held by my community. Never alone, but connected to the fabric of a deep queer ancestry. This is a burst of gratitude slingshot out into the universe for all the people who continue to show my soul just how vital queer community really is to our collective healing and wellbeing. And also a tender reminder to all the other queer humans out there that you, too, are an indispensable part of this celestial design. 

We keep us safe,

Sam 

The Value of “Chosen” Family

Psychologist Abraham Maslow created a famous theory of motivation known as the “hierarchy of needs.” Typically depicted on a triangle with more foundational needs at the bottom, Maslow’s theory suggests that humans have several universal needs and these universal needs can be classified into the following categories: physiological, safety, love & belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. The theory suggests that humans must fulfill each of these stages in order to reach the top of the triangle and thereby achieve self-actualization or fulfillment of their potential. Maslow’s theory shows us that the need for love and belonging is in fact universal—Humans need to love and be loved. It’s similarly universal that many of us find this vital sense of love and belonging in our families of origin. However, not all of us have the privilege of existing within the support network of our biological family. This can be particularly true for members of the queer community who experience higher rates of displacement and rejection from our families of origin. These lived experiences and the intrinsic resilience of queerness have contributed to the need for the creation of new experiences of family.

One thing that doesn’t get talked about enough—family! isn’t! consensual! We typically learn about consent-based frameworks only in terms of sexual practices. But when you think critically about it, we didn’t get to actively choose the family of origin we were born into and therefore it might not even be the best fit or healthiest environment for us. In direct contrast, a chosen family is a web of relationships that are built around intentionality and freedom of choice. Much like the idea of informed consent, a chosen family is making an active decision about whom you’ll share access to yourself and your energy. One of the most beautiful things about being queer is being given the gift of creation--To create our own unique genders and sexualities, and we can also create our own unique concepts of “family” that go far beyond binaries and tradition.

Since being queer is all about getting to create your own identity, this can include creating your own values like family. Family can be defined however you conceptualize connection and shared intimacy.  In fact, a family doesn’t even have to be human! Many queers consider beloved pets to be part of their family (and this is just as valid). Keep in mind that it’s the component of enduring connection that’s crucial and there are no rules that say family must look a certain way or be based solely on genetics. Family can be found in online communities, sports clubs, social clubs, intimate partners, beloved pets, in the vibrant drag community, and many unexpected places in between. If you are queer, I already stand beside you as family.

Dysphoria Under the Duvet:

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines dysphoria as the distress which arises from conflicts between a person’s gender identity or expression and their assigned-at-birth sex. I like to acknowledge that dysphoria is a term created by the medical community used primarily for diagnostics and that diverse gender experiences are not necessarily indicative of disorder. However, I believe it can still be useful when describing, communicating & sharing experiences from a wellness perspective, regardless of the medical context. With reflection and support, many T/GNC folks have been able to identify different spaces, activities & contexts that tend to generate a dysphoric response and set appropriate boundaries. But that doesn’t mean that we can always control when it happens. Dysphoria can creep up when you’re at work, at an important event like a wedding or birthday, while you’re simply alone with your thoughts or yes—even in the bedroom. Understandably, sex can be one of the most challenging times to navigate gender dysphoria and it’s just as important to understand and honor your boundaries regarding your pleasure as it is your safety. And trust me—you! deserve! pleasure!

So what can dysphoria during sex even look like? It’s helpful to keep in mind that it can be experienced internally, externally, & socially. Maybe you’ve found yourself obsessing over different bodily parts or with ruminating thoughts about how a specific part may look. Maybe your experience is more intense and results in completely disconnecting from your body through dissociation or through panic. Or maybe you attempt to hide yourself or parts of yourself by strategically using duvets to cover up or insisting on turning off the lights during sex. While these can be very normal experiences for many T/GNC individuals, there’s also many ways to combat the distress of gender dysphoria when it pops up uninvited in your bed. Here are two of my favorite strategies to cope with dysphoria during sex:

1. Show & Tell: Talk through the boundaries of the scene with your sexually intimate partner(s) before sex ever becomes physical. Think of this as a savory appetizer to foreplay used to stimulate your mind just as much as your body. Ask your partner what feels the best, how they like to be touched, where they like to be touched, and with what motion or pressure. Maybe even ask them to show you directly what they like on themselves first and you can then do the same. Don’t forget to tell your partner if anything feels “off-limits” and not just with touch, that includes with language. It’s also helpful to share with your partner if you use specific gender-affirming terminology for different parts such referring to the top half of the torso as your “chest” rather than “breasts.” (This also helps avoid any unintentional slip ups during some in-the-moment dirty talk!)

2. Create Gender Euphoria! Unlike its antonym, the term gender euphoria was created not by the medical community, but instead by the gender/sex minority community themselves. In addition to all the in-person discussions I’ve had regarding this phenomenon amongst the T/GNC community, I’ve also seen conversations start to arise across many social media platforms aimed at bringing more awareness. Because of its clinical ambiguity there is no “formal” definition, but I can make an offering from my personal experience. For me, gender euphoria is a bright burst of awareness and joyful gratitude that results from feeling affirmed, validated, and honored in my gender experience and expression. It’s a type of deep, delicious affirmation that speaks to a beautiful congruence between my feelings an my experience. Much like dysphoria, euphoria can be experienced externally such as receiving gender-affirming hormones or surgeries, internally such as such comfort in knowing that your expression is ever-expansive and endless in possibility, or social such as being referred to by your chosen name and pronoun or other affirming terms such as “handsome.” These moments, while they can be small, swaddle us in protective warmth. Sex can be a great time to tap into that warmth so don’t be afraid to take ownership of your experience. A great way to start is by wearing something during a sex scene that gives you euphoria—it could be a type of underwear or lingerie, maybe you have a special binder that flattens your chest exactly right, experiment with wearing a strap on or packer, put on nail polish, or even slap on some glitter! Just remember that how you experience your gender euphoria is completely personal to you and not everyone will experience or even desire the same gender affirmations.